guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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