so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
