When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
