Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
