I'm gonna have a badass scar
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
