God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I wish there were birth control emojis
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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