@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
