oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
