It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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