actually, I'm a sock model
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
