I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
