Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
