my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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