I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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