Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home