I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Do you have feelings for this penis?