Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
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I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
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I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell