I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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