I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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