its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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