Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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