booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
