My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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