i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
