when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
that's an acceptable place to lick
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
