i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
