I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
