Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Terrible idea I love it
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Holy shit dude........stairs
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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