I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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