you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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