My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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