Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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