My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
