nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
