Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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