i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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