First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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