tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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