All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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