So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
