I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
