I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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