Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize