ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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