So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
