just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
