Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
