Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
