Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
