I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
