I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
