So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
