i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
