guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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