You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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