just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Randomize
