i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
