Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
