There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
