I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
