apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
